No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
