The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
