God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize