I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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