Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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