bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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