I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
