my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
