god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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