she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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