I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
