So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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