I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize