Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
