apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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