I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
