Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
