If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
