never play flip cup with pint glasses
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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