I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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