Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
