Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
