Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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