Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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