I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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