You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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