next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
