I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
