i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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