Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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