I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize