She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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