Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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