my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
