dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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