i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
