god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
