Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
