my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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