He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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