Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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