Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
