even my farts smell like vagina
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
