And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
