Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
There's always time for handjobs
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
