I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
