i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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