He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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