we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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