I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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