The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
