right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
