She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize