Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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