This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
