Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
