Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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