I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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