just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
