Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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