Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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