There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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