And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
